Bakura gets Religion
by Kesiah
Summary: Bakura's new religion, would you join it?
1. Chapter 1

Bakura gets Religion

  
  


Don't ask where this came from... just don't...   
  


Misto: Kes doesn't own Yugioh, it's characters, or Mistoffelees. She does however chain us to a wall and makes it very difficult for us to do anything other than what she wants...

  
  


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You're siting at home, your computer humming away to itself as you check out all the latest stories on ff.net, message your favorite authors to tell them to get a move on with your favorite stories, and generally have a good time, when there's a knock on the door.   
  


'Probably someone trying to sell me something.' You think to yourself, and reluctantly leave your seat. Your well-chosen insults die in your throat, as the door swings back to reveal Bakura.   
  


He's holding a bible.   
  


You think you must have fallen asleep at the computer... again.   
  


"Hi!" A voice pipes up, and you notice three other people behind Bakura. Ryou, whom you recognize, a black and white tuxedo cat-man, and a young-ish girl, who had spoken to you.   
  


"We're here to talk to you about..." The girl begins, but Bakura shoves you inside and drags the others in after him. At this point you notice he is carrying a lighter.   
  


Bakura, with a lighter, in your house.   
  


You're beginning to wonder how you can explain the resulting fire to your parents.   
  


"As I was saying...." The girl begins again. "My name is Kesiah, this is Mistoffelees, and you probably know Ryou and Bakura."   
  


You blink at the name. Kesiah... you were just reading one of her fics! And you were going to leave some feedback.   
  


"Bakura came here to talk to you about his religion." Kes finishes, and seats herself with the others, leaving you face to face with Bakura.   
  


He's found the sharpest knife in your house.   
  


He's playing with it.   
  


You're going to die.   
  


"I was made to go to a church." Bakura begins. You can't help but notice his fangs. "It was thought that it might stop me from... doing certain things. Churches, as I had always understood, were boring. But imagine my amazement when I read some more on this 'religion', and found it much more to my liking than I had thought."   
  


He pauses to flash his impressive teeth at you, then continues.   
  


"Now I bet you didn't know that you can burn people, all for a church! They used to _pay_ you to burn them! It's simple, all you have to do is make someone admit to being a witch. How do I do this, you say?"   
  


You find yourself nodding, after all, there is that annoying sibling of yours...   
  


"You get to torture them! Think about it, first, you torture them, then you burn them. Fun huh?" Bakura grins at you, while Ryou looks distressed in the background, and Kesiah and her muse, the magical Mistoffelees, are having an argument about who's idea this was in the first place.   
  


"Not only can you burn and torture people, you can also drown them, drive pins and nails into them and have them hung. Then there's Jihad...."   
  


"Bakura," Kesiah cuts in. "I think you've done enough promoting of your religion, how about we go and visit some more people?"   
  


Ryou looks extremely pale at this suggestion.   
  


"All right." Bakura agrees, then looks to you. "Just remember that you can join my religion today. All you have to do is log onto fanfiction.net and leave a review for Kesiah, and before you know it, we'll have published even more on the Bakura religion, as well as it's teachings."   
  


Kes smiles at you as she pushes Bakura and Ryou out the door. "That's all you have to do really, though donations are excepted..."   
  


Mistoffelees whacked her on the back of her head. "Ignore that last part. More on Bakura's religion to follow.... provided people want it that is... If they don't we're thinking of sending Bakura to a mental institute..."   
  


The door closes on Kesiah and Mistoffelees arguing about whether people will want to join such a violent religion, and Ryou and Bakura arguing about whether Bakura should use other characters for test subjects or not.   
  


You blink at the door for a while, then return to your computer. After all, this religion actually sounds interesting....

  
  


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I was thinking of making this a series. Review if you'd like that, if you think this thing is good/dumb/otherwise. I can still go on with Bakura's ten commandments, the creation of everything...   
  


Basically, this is meant for fun, and it's not supposed to be original, I know heaps of other people have done 'Bakura's guide to...' fics, and I wanted to make one too, because I think they're fun. If you want something original of mine, go read 'Ryou Tenshi'. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

  
  


DISCLAIMER: *sidles in and looks around* Coast looks clear... I OWN YUGIOH!! *letter hits Kes on the head* Nani? *opens, reads* 'Kesiah, you are being sued for claiming ownership to Yugioh, which is not yours. We are now taking everything you own, including your imagination.' Ack!! I DON'T own Yugioh!!!   
  


Just remember you guys _asked_ for this...   
  


-----

  
  


Bakura looked around at his faithful followers. It had a nice ring to it. "Faithful followers". They would learn to follow his religion, and they would sweep across the world, cleansing and terrorizing all that stood in their path, they would crush, crush, _CRUSH_!! Kesiah glared at him pointedly as he started to break out in maniacal laughter.   
  


"Bakura, you have to address your followers, remember?" she said. Bakura calmed down a little, and scowled at her. If he didn't need someone to write this for him...   
  


Ryou was also looking over the assembled group. But he was feeling a mixture of wonder and fear. It was strangely inspirational the way that Bakura could draw so many people to him like this, and frightening. Who knew what he could get them to do for him.   
  


Bakura snatched the list Kesiah was holding from her, strode forward and flashed his fangs at the group before him.   
  


"Before we begin, let's cover a few things first." He declared. "Ajuxliapose, my religion is to be taken seriously! If it helps, ignore the whining girl's cries for reviews. It makes things simpler. Blackgatomon, face _your_ wrath?! I don't think so! Perhaps you can pull some better threats after this section of the course, ne? Dead, who is this Satan of which you speak, I would very much like to meet him..." Bakura smirked at this, then continued. "Guardian of the Foresaken, the Pharaoh is indeed in need of my 'attentions'... But for today, we will be starting on a simpler subject, then maybe we can work up to him. RyouBakura3193, you will enjoy this section of the course too, or else... kaibadragon, while I admire your enthusiasm, we will work on torturing victims first, then the burning. Yami-AJ Yu-Yu-InuCaptor, more information is provided at the end of this lesson, for your reading 'pleasure'. Or you can just burn it, and laugh when the girl screams about spending hours typing everything up. Time Mistress, your enjoyance is noted, and will be expected here as well." Bakura rolled his eyes over the remainder of the list. "What are you going to do when I take over the world?! Name them all in my speeches too?!"   
  


Kesiah pouted. "You have to respond, else they might not come back."   
  


"If they don't come back, then I'll hunt them down, rip out their intestines and force feed them to them!!"   
  


Ryou sighed as another argument started up. Looked as though he'd have to finish the rest of the list himself.   
  


"TsukiTenshiP," he began. "Are you sure burning your brother is a good idea? I mean, my yami would probably go for it... But think of how you would feel afterwards! Plus it's not very nice. Cettie-girl, you think my yami is going to do this stuff to me?! Maybe I will come over there later to hide. I might have to bring Kes too, if she and Bakura keep arguing like this. chibibaka1, my yami had Kesiah print up some leaflets for after this session, so you'll get two lots of information today. bakura's faithful cronie, uhh... What's a cronie? Bakura never said he had one of those. Master?" Ryou looked over at Bakura and Kesiah, now nose to nose and screaming loudly, apparently about Bakura's lack of helpful comments while Kes was writing. Ryou kind of understood this, since Bakura generally looked at whatever was on the screen and said "delete it" by default.   
  


"Kes, did you get the buttons Aesa Bast asked for? We could give them out with the leaflets."   
  


Kesiah didn't pause in her screaming match, preferring to point to a box of items near Ryou.   
  


"Thanks. I'm done Bakura, don't you want to get started now?"   
  


Bakura broke off in the match, electing to ignore the authoress before she decided to end the fic early. He shoved Ryou out of the way, and grabbed out the box of stuff.   
  


"Now. Last time we briefly mentioned witches and the burning there of." He began. "Know now that to be a witch is a crime. But, witches don't _tell_ you they're witches, so we get to find out!" He smirked at them all, and motioned to Ryou. "Bring out the first subject."   
  


Ryou sighed, and dragged out a chair, which was occupied. It had someone sitting on it. More precisely, it had Tea, tied to it.   
  


"That is Tea right?" Kesiah said scrutinizing the girl. "Not Anzu?"   
  


Bakura shot her a withering look, and moved the gag aside.   
  


"...and so friendship is what is really important in the world, because without friendship we wouldn't be able to..."   
  


"Ok! Ok! I'm sorry!" Kes yelped, blocking her ears hurriedly. "It's Tea all right."   
  


Bakura turned back to his audience.   
  


"So, we have our first test subject. We need to prove she is a witch, even though we already know this, because I said she's a witch and therefore is one. Now this," he said, producing a hatpin, "Is a hatpin. It is sharp-ish, and pointy. We use it like this." And Bakura turned and jabbed the pin into Tea, who yelped.   
  


Bakura turned back. "Now, if you do this to a witch, she might not feel it, because of their witchcraft stopping them from feeling pain. But they often _pretend_ it hurts, so you don't think they are a witch."   
  


Kesiah rolled her eyes, and continued typing.   
  


"You use your hatpin, as well as some other helpful devices, such as thumb screws, red hot iron and such, to make your witch tell you she is a witch. The simple way of doing this is to keep hurting her until she says she is a witch. Don't stop until they do. Anything else they say is a lie."   
  


Ryou looked shocked. "But hurting people until they tell you what you want to hear is wrong!" He said. "They'll just do it to make you stop!"   
  


Bakura laughed. "That's the point! And you get to have fun at the same time! You can't say that isn't fair."   
  


Kesiah patted Ryou on the shoulder. "It's ok. " She said. "It's just Tea. She doesn't have enough brains to feel the pain anyway."   
  


Ryou nodded a little, but still looked a little upset. Kesiah sighed. "I'll send him to where Misto is, otherwise this thing is going to get depressing fast." She waved her sketchbook briefly, and Ryou vanished.   
  


Bakura growled at the authoress and turned back to the crowd.   
  


"Lets go onto the water test. A personal favorite." He prodded Kes, who caused a large swimming pool to appear in the room.   
  


"Here's what you do." Bakura began. "Take your witch, like this. You then tie the witch up like so, making sure that all the witch is covered and unable to move." He continued, wrapping Tea soundly in floaties. "Once you have your witch wrapped tightly, take her firmly by the ankles and fling her into the water." He said, and did so. "Now watch carefully. If your witch floats, she is a witch, and we can proceed to stage three. If she sinks, then she isn't a witch, and while she is now dead, you explain how very sorry you are, then leave."   
  


Tea, being wrapped in a large number of inflated floating devices, and the fact her head was full of air anyway, floated perfectly. Bakura smirked. "They never said what to tie her up _in_." He pulled Tea out and dragged her over to a wooden stake courtesy of Kesiah again.   
  


"Now you have proved her a witch, we can burn her. Simply tie her to the stake like so, add lots of wood, some petrol and matches, and there you go! Marshmallows anyone?"   
  


"Tea burns nicely." Kesiah commented, passing around the bags of marshmallows and such.   
  


Bakura smirked. "While you always claim to like my omote more then me, I can see you enjoy being a blood thirsty psycho as much as I do."   
  


"You just have to prove it."   
  


Bakura flashed his fangs again, and turned back to the crowd of followers.   
  


"You have now completed your first lesson in basic witch-hunting and persecution. All you have to do now is get people to _pay_ you to hunt witches, and you're set! Now get out. And remember to come back next week. Also make your friends or subjects come with you, and if they don't, prove they are witches and extract revenge."   
  


Kesiah smiled sweetly. "Please accept these parcels on your way out. Including "Bakura's home witch-hunting kit", containing all the torture items, matches and floaties you'll need, as well a pamphlet, which you will need to go over for next week. That's right, this religion has homework. You must have burned at least two people before next week, and come up with a decent excuse why you didn't read your pamphlet. Goodnight."   
  


"Let's go find the Pharaoh, I'm bored..." Bakura said as everyone started to leave.   
  


Kesiah just rubbed her temples and sighed.

  
  


Review, Onegai?

  
  



End file.
